Kingston to Celebrate New Years with Uptown Orgy

Yes, there will be fireworks at the New Years bash!

Uptown Kingston will forego its traditional New Years celebration this year, instead converting the neighborhood into a giant orgy. 

"The last time something like this happened was San Francisco in 1975," said Mayor Steve Noble. "That was way long before I was born. We figured, it was time." Noble said the event would help people relax a little and start the new year on a high note.

Each business has selected a theme for its particular event. The evening will cater to all sexual orientations and gender identifications, and has received AA-level certification from the National Inclusiveness Council in Maytag Bluff, Iowa. 

Dominick’s Cafe will host the Gay Meet and Greet.

Marie Phillapina said that Boistens, the posh uptown eatery, will become a traditional 1930s-style brothel and speakeasy. 

"Our staff was very enthusiastic about this," she said. "You might call that enthusiastic consent. This will give new meaning to the term 'Lubrication Station'," she added, a reference to the neon sign over her bar.

Dominck's Cafe will run the gay meet and greet, with rooms upstairs at the Suite Dreams bed and breakfast reserved for small parties of three to seven people. The hair salon will convert to a "crotch coif" hosted by Dominick's sexy cousin Angela.

Kingston Radio will switch to a Howard Stern show type format. They will be offering free Sybian rides in the station's van, which will be broadcast live on their new FM frequency. "Howard invented sex on the radio," said program director Jamie Bluff. "I've always thought that was a brilliant way to get around FCC guidelines. It's perfectly legal."

He said the station would be intermingling a fundraising drive with broadcasts of live female multiple orgasm brought on by straddling the Sybian.

Brian Maloney, editor of Chronogram, said the magazine would sponsor a 1990s-style co-ed masturbation orgy through the evening, which he would personally host. "I learned a lot reading all those columns by Eric Francis and thought I would finally try this out," he said. "I can't wait to masturbate with my readers and advertisers. I’ve read that bonobo chimps use this as a method of conflict resolution.“ 

Brian Maloney will co-host the Luminary Publishing Jack and Jill Off with Samantha Miatta, who will be the chief lube fairy. This will be the ultimate safe sex party.

The Luminary Jack and Jill Off event will be hosted in the magazine's newsroom, where many of its lovely advertising minions will be present as co-hostesses and lube fairies.

In the company meeting room off to the side, Jason Stern and Amara Projansky will host a polyamory round table, discussing their many experiences and answering reader questions. They are expected to announce their foray into the swinging lifestyle in a press conference to be held at 10 pm.

Downstairs, Outdated Cafe will host an autoasphyxiation salon.

"You already choke when you walk in the door, so it was a natural," said owner Tess Gay. "Just trying to breathe will put people in the mood. The orgasms will be the most intense on the whole street. You should really try it out." 

Cafe staff will be around to make sure nobody hangs themselves permanently. She said they would have plenty of vintage rope available. 

Lesbian activities will be hosted by Pissy's. The popular cafe will switch to vagetarian fare for the evening, according to owners Chani and Dani Francaise-Jones. Events will include a fisting party and a sumptuous cunnilingus buffet. 

Green Ink, Inc. will host a cutting and piercing party, according to its owner, Frankie Tooth. "We already do this kind of thing all the time," he said. Cock and labia piercings will be going for half price. There will be a live nipple piercing display in the store's front window.

Jeff Rindler, executive director of the LGBTQ Center, said his evening activity would be the Nonbinary Bash, overnight from 6 pm to 6 am. "That's the in thing," he exclaimed. "We're going to have the wildest party on the street. Check your gender at the door!"

Sybian all set up and ready to go, in the Kingston Radio van. The Sybian is a powerful ride-on vibrator.

Next door at Stockade Muay Thai, there will be an all-night beat and bang party, according to owner J.J. Russo. This will combine bd/sm actives with sex, which is rare to find.

BSP will open up the back room, crank up the heat, and host the Adult Free-Swim party, where anything goes. They are expecting about 1,000 people. “This will make excellent use of our big room,” said Trevor Dunworth.

Deejay Himtoo will alternate with Deejay Twerk through the night and into the morning, playing the hottest new rhythms in the trance and techno genres. 

Precise Estimating, a local auditing and accounting firm, would be hosting a Naked Account Reconciliation Party, according to chairman Andrew Slater. "This is the ultimate in bookkeeping," he said.

The Fair Street Vintage Shop will get into the fun, with Yvonne Miller donning her black patent leather and hosting a one-on-one dominatrix evening. Sessions will be booked in advance and are going fast for $1000 an hour.

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