Last week we told you about Mystery Girl. Well, we’re back with more disturbing information.
Mystery Girl now has a show on Radio Kingston, sources have learned, and everything has gone haywire. You might say that all hell has broken loose. But now we have to beg the question. Because when it rains it pours.
The show is from 10 pm to midnight every Sunday night, when only truckers on the Thruway and people in Finland are supposed to be listening. But suddenly everyone has their radio on. WalMart sold out of cheap shitty transistor radios, which it kept in stock for old people. Yes, Mystery Girl is once again the talk of the town. Everyone is like, WTF.
People are now listening to radio Kingston and the entire city is asking, what the heck is going on. When you tune your dial to 1490 AM at that time, all you hear is her moaning, and some fantastic beats plus interviews with people even cooler than her. But mostly she moans and groans all during the show, just like Donna Summer.
“What a mess!” said Hillary Harvey Weinstein, who tries to do a show every Friday, but the only people listening are her friends and the person she interviewed, according to city residents. “This is just messed up,” she said.
"Messed up messed up messed up,” she added, while stretching her flexible, well-toned, fragrant, luxurious, lengthy body into a very unusual yoga pose, appearing to make spiritual love to a tree. “I bet Mystery Girl can’t do this!”
“Someone tell me what to do,” she added.
The Mystery Girl show is called "Late Night Sunday with Deejay Awesome Vulva," according to what we found out. Most people feel that the show is totally inappropriate, according to a massive citywide survey.
“This is not going to work in Kingston,” said Mrs. Marjory Landis of Grandma Moses Lane, who has lived here for quite a long time and remembers when all Radio Kingston played was the Glenn Miller Band and perhaps a little Tony Bennett here and there.
However, after just 11 minutes on the air, the show was picked up by SiriusXM, the Burning Man Network, iHeartRadio, the Pacifica Radio Network, the Rachel Maddow Podcast, and Fox News.
“She does better political analysis than the political show. She has better stuff on queer than my show. She acts like she’s black, trans and a wild thing who came in from the forest. And now there’s a crowd in the parking lot outside the station,” said Julie Super Nova, who is in charge of everything.
“And all those people are not waiting to get into the Mr Bubble Laundromat. We’re gonna get her. Just you wait and see.”
Unbeknownst to the masses, Radio Kingston shares a building with Mr. Bubble and has for many decades, since shortly after the coin-operated washing machine was invented, we have learned somehow.
Mr. Bubble was not available for comment, but according to a reliable source, he said, “I am just not into the whole Mystery Girl thing. We like to keep things clean around here. This is ruining the city. She sent me naked pictures after we had dinner one night. That was totally inappropriate. But they were great pictures.”
Raquel Richie Havens, the cool girl from Woodstock, as in THE Woodstock, the one on Route 212, said recently on her Facebook iPhone TV show called Me and My iPhone 4.2, “She is super sketchy, but I say she’s OK. Fa'oil dough, heyell naww, lay her down and smack em yack em,” she added, sounding kind of excited but also pissed off, and like she really meant it but you’re just not sure about that.
Her fingers made fascinating gestures in the air as she said all of this, seeming to accent her sincerity in a cosmic way that made you stop and listen -- and think.
James Bluff, the super smooth station manager, who used to be uber famous and once worked in New York City and also at Radio Saugerties before it was cool, said, “She tried to molest me without even asking. It was so gross.”
Here’s how that scene went down, according to the Weather Guy, who has worked for the station since right after World War II. Apparently, Mystery Girl was strolling around naked in the studio like she always does, just like any other day, and Bluff just happened to be reclined on the floor. “She didn’t even ask,” the Weather Guy said. “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. There are rules about this kind of thing.”
Bluff tried to fire her, but then bats, birds, cobras and scorpions rallied around her. Her hair turned into a million worms, just like it always does. “I thought her supernatural powers added diversity to the station. People are curious about scorpions, even if they’re terrified,” he said.
“We just didn’t have anything like her,” Bluff added. “We searched the entire city, till we was worn slap out. Sometimes I feel no bigger than a minnow in a fishing pond.”
Bluff added, “You have to admit, it’s kinda cool now that Bono hangs out in the building at night. We all know he can take that kind of abuse.”
At press time, Mystery Girl (a/k/a Deejay Awesome Vulva)’s fans were clashing with protestors out back on the Mr. Bubble side of the building. The rest of this column is just my opinion. I’m not a journalist, I just write for a newspaper.
So I grabbed the megaphone from Eric Cartman and got up on the picnic table and said, “Ladies, what you listen to is your business! You turn on the radio. You flip the knob. You adjust the dial to get the signal just right, so you can really hear what she’s saying. This is all your choice. We all agree Mystery Girl is a jerk. But don’t blame it on her. If you listen to her moaning all night, that’s your business.”