Mystery Girl Restaurant Review

Wild Beast, the hot new place in town. Photo by Geddy Images.

Mystery Girl was recently seen in Wildbeast, or however you spell it, and we’re sure she was there doing a restaurant review for her new show on Radio Kingston. When she walked in, the whole place went hush, according to someone who heard from someone who was there. 

“It was just creepy,” said a girl with bobbed hair and a plaid skirt, sources agreed. “I think she’s into me.” 

Oh no, it’s Mystery Girl.

And so began another day in the career of Mystery Girl, who is always mixing it up with the entire city of Kingston. “She has terrible boundaries,” said one man with extravagant mutton chops and six tattoos on his neck as well as a pierced brain.

“That’s how she is. She does everything to get attention,” said someone from Williamsburg, who can’t stand it there and comes up here weekends to enjoy the mellow vibes and pick up the new edition of Mystery Girl ‘Zine.

“I don’t care if she tried to fuck her houseguest, who wasn’t really that into her, which I totally get,” he said. “I love her poetry. She is a total weirdo but it’s like every word is copied and pasted directly from my soul to the page. I’ve read other poets but they seem to be full of shit.” 

On the actual vinyl turntable, the super cool bartender played “Waves from Albert Ayler,” by Mount Everest. But the record was scratched during the oboe solo. So they put on an old Pat Metheny record called “Watercolors," and nearly everyone applauded politely. I had no idea what was going on so I didn’t clap, otherwise I would have. 

As Mystery Girl strolled in trying to be super cool, the lights dimmed, and people were frightened. They all knew that Mystery Girl was finally going to try the hot new place in town, because that’s where they were too — which is where The Elephant used to be, in the building owned by the O So Positive guy. 

Wildbeast only plays vinyl, which has to be changed every 23 minutes — faster than Dunkin’ Donuts has to make new coffee. Fuck you, Spotify. Photo by Geddy Images.

Regarding the old Elephant place, a major citywide survey said that “they were douchebags and the kitchen was disgusting but we ate there anyway for some reason,” sources said. Don’t sue us.

It took a while for the new restaurant to grind the crystallized grease off of the kitchen walls and the whole stove went into the scrap pile, aluminum foil and all, thank God before there was a tragic fire. 

Anyway Mystery Girl took up a big table as if she owned the place and said everything had to be gluten free, or else she would scream like a banshee and eat a dish, as in the plate, not the food. Taking a big table turned out to be a good thing, since she wasn’t dining alone, she came with an entire menagerie, including a “service” dog which we all know is bullshit. While she ate, she constantly dropped stuff on the floor, which the Mystery Dog nibbled up efficiently. 

“She was very critical of everything,” said one patron at the next table. “She was all by herself and didn’t want anything to do with us. That’s just how she is, she has such an attitude,” he added. “But we wouldn’t have eaten with her anyway so it’s just as well.”

One patron said she was traumatized by reading the recent coverage of Mystery Girl in the Woodstock Times. “It was like porno,” she said. “I couldn’t even read it, but I did. Why all the orgasms, right next to full coverage of the Zoning Board of Adjustment?"

But obviously they don’t live in Woodstock, which loves her and can’t get enough of the Mystery Girl ‘Zine, which is always kept in stock at the Golden Notebook and even at Houst Hardware and the Headstock Head Shop.

Sometimes people don’t recognize Mystery Girl, or they think they’ve seen her somewhere but don’t know where. “I’m pretty sure it was her, because I was breathing heavy when I was looking at her.” Then the person I just quoted rushed off to the lady’s room for a few minutes. When she came back, she said, “They have mints in the lady’s room. Isn’t that a little weird? What are you supposed to do with them?"

One order of a Tasmanian shrimp. It’s the best shrimp you will ever eat. Don’t be deceived by the plain, humble appearance.

For her appetizer, Mystery Girl ordered a baby asparagus on an arugula leaf. There wasn’t much but it was the best fucking baby asparagus ever, as long as you don’t eat it too quickly, which she did because she has bad manners.

She picked it up with her fingers, turning it into a phallic symbol, according to a psychology major with a very stylish vintage purse, who is now acting as a fromageur in Hudson. She is considering a career as a call girl, because she is an American citizen, it’s totally cool, there is no human trafficking involved. When she finally goes into business, sex will cost $1,000 but it’s actually worth a lot more.

Mystery Girl ordered a new asparagus every three minutes for more than an half an hour, according to numerous witnesses. Then she showed her gratitude by blowing flames out of her mouth in the direction of the kitchen, distracting the whole crew. Hummingbirds fluttered around her head as if nothing was going on.

The main course was a grilled Tasmanian shrimp, which was fantastic but she ordered 14 portions. While she ate them, she fed her cobra a rat, which she turned loose on the floor. When her cobra unraveled itself from her waist to chase the rat, her skirt nearly fell down and everyone stared, even though they didn’t want to see her naked.

The Ulster County Health Department inspector happened to be there and was so freaked out he left. I don’t think he even noticed the rat because so much else was going on. 

Mystery Girl holds her pet lady scorpion, with babies on its back.

However, that was civilized compared to when it came time to feed all of her pet live scorpions that she wears for rings. She took off the scorpions, placing them on the table; and then dumped a bag of live lizards and insects on the table and the scorpions all chowed down, doing a little dance, like we were all on acid, which I don’t usually do at work.

“I always wondered what scorpions eat,” said one patron wearing overalls and a straw farming hat, even though he’s from Queens, and who is into scorpions but not enough to read a book about them. He stared as one of the terrible insects stung a lizard and ate it while it was still twitching a little. By the way have you heard that Mystery Girl had a rock concert in her attic? She fucking takes fucking guitar lessons from fucking Dave Navarro, this has to fucking stop. 

For desert, Mystery Girl had the artisanal Sicilian lemon Moroccan vanilla glaceau in an antique silver-plated thimble. 

I don’t want to judge her, but she ate it really fast, and licked out the thimble with her slithery, slinky little tongue, which reminded me of sex. 

Then she ordered 46 portions, which each cost $7.95 but were really, really, really delicious and help keep food costs down that is the important thing. Bats fluttered around her head while she sucked down each little tiny scoop, and she let out a moan after consuming each portion.

She also had tea but added some dirt which she had in her pocket because she’s a perverted weirdo. “Who else puts dirt in their tea?” someone asked.

Her bill came to $1,355.20. She took out her Black Card, which is fancier than American Express Platinum, especially because the bill goes to the HoBo Foundation, which owns the radio station where she works naked as a late-night superstar. The HoBo foundation takes care of poor people and is really idealistic. 

If you love Greek, this is the place to go, according to Mystery Girl. It’s a man-run business and she LOVES men.

She added a tip of $250 but someone with a distressed leather bag said that was too cheap.

“Ridiculous. People with the Black Card should give a 50% tip,” someone said he said he read in Business Daily. “She’s cheaper than Howard Stern,” who nobody has heard of anymore. Stern will be a guest on the new Mystery Girl show on Radio Kingston, "Late Night Sunday with Deejay Awesome Vulva."

When she was done, Mystery Girl proceeded to BSP, where all three bands had her on the guest list. When the bouncer would not let her in, she asked for Trevor, who said, “Mystery Girl is cool with us. And she drinks on the house too.”  

One last thing. Mystery Girl really really really loves Greek food and says that Opa is the best place in town by far. 


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