Mystery Girl Terrorizes Entire City


Reports of a Mystery Girl who appeared in the city earlier this year have become too frequent to for the local media ignore. Accounts of her presence may go back four years or even to the 1920s, but nobody is sure. What is certain is that the entire city is in a state of shock and terror, and does not know what’s going to happen next.

The first sighting was at the Outdated Cafe in February, where she ordered a gluten-free dish. But when ordinary bread was served on her plate, she let out a wail and a moan that brought our entire community to a halt, as far away as the Saugerties suburbs.

“It was halfway between a death wail, an orgasm, and Janis Joplin,” said one witness, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It went on and on, as if forever, time seemed to stop, and birds were fluttering around her head,” the witness said. “Then, she disappeared.”

"We don't let her have more than half a cup of coffee at a time," one barista said while making a double karma macchiato, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "She takes a sip, and then she disappears. With our cup."

The next time she manifested was on paper, in the Mystery Girl 'Zine. In April, hundreds and hundreds, possibly many thousands and thousands, of copies appeared throughout our humble and innocent borough.

The 'zine, which was clearly written by Mystery Girl, contained frightening articles about tarot cards and forests. There was incense, and a picnic lunch. Nobody knows where all the copies of the 'zine were printed, but they had to be printed somewhere, according to our investigation.

Mystery Girl comes from a deep, dark forest, like this one.

“I can’t believe I even read it,” said one reader, who asked that we not reveal her name. “You cannot unread that kind of thing. There were dark forests, and strange birds fluttering around, speaking in a language I could not understand. I could hear their wings flapping as I read her words. It was so dark and frightening. I feel violated.”

The tarot cards included in the horrid 'zine were the Nine of Cups, The Lovers, the Ace of Cups, and the High Priestess, who symbolizes the Mystery Girl herself, local experts said.

The Mystery Girl 'Zine, which was very thick, possibly 100 pages, described the early origins of Mystery Girl. She may have come from Chicago or San Francisco, or the Bronx, or Rosendale. It’s not clear. Nobody knows where she is from or how old she is. But she says in the 'zine she was born in a deep, dark forest, and was raised by raccoons and serpents, who spoke a secret language that only they understand, which explains why she is so frightening.

“God knows when she has time to write this much,” said one local leader of a writer’s workshop, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Even though she seems to spend all of her time terrorizing us, she’s very productive.”

Then suddenly the 'zine disappeared and could not be found anywhere. It was like it never even existed.

One man who encountered her in a dark alley said she made him extremely horny. “I was innocently walking around the city, and I turned into an alley, and she was there,” he said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

“I didn’t know what to do. She wanted me. She seemed insatiable, like she could never get enough. I felt so violated. I’m a big man; I stand six foot four. But still I was stricken and shocked. I felt like she could seduce me with her eyes. I felt the heat growing in my loins. Then, before I could run away, she disappeared.”

“By the way, I’m a virgin,” he added. “That makes it worse.” 

There used to be a farmer’s market in Kingston, but it had to be ended due to the presence of Mystery Girl. It was a nice market, too, and thanks to her, it’s gone.

“I had a dream she was masturbating in Dietz Stadium during halftime at a soccer game,” said one woman. "Thousands of people were watching, and cheering. It was so sick. When she reached orgasm, she wailed, like a siren, and the whole crowd grew silent. It was so real. I will never be the same again. Then I woke up,” she added.

"That's weird," said another city resident. "I dreamed that her you-know-what swallowed the entire stadium, and we were all trapped inside."

Mystery Girl likes to pet every dog, sources said. The weird thing is that all dogs seem to like her. They lick her face, and have that happy look, much to the chagrin of their owners.

Reached for comment, the mayor said, “We will appoint a Blue Ribbon commission to deal with the Mystery Girl. We must solve this problem.”

“The Mystery Girl follows me everywhere,” said one city resident, who asked that we please not identify him, but he’s a real person, “Everywhere I go, she is, looking at me with that horny look in her eyes, like she’s going to do something to me. I fear for my life.”

Sources said this is where Mystery Girl sleeps at night. It’s darker, though.

"Everywhere I look, I see her," said one citizen interviewed at length by the Kingston Times. "I cannot escape. She's everywhere. All at the same time."

Witnesses said the mystery girl was seen again in Outdated in early August. "She walked in like a thing from the wild,” one patron of the popular hip, vegan eatery said. “She had worms in her hair, and she wore live scorpions for rings. Around her waist was a baby boa constrictor, which held up her savage skirt.

"I looked at what I thought was a tattoo, and it was really ticks dancing in a circle. Then she began speaking in a language I did not understand, howling a phrase that seemed to be about how horny she was. I did not think I could resist, but right when I was about to submit, she disappeared.”

There have been many other sightings that are uncertain whether it was Mystery Girl, such as down in New Paltz, where she's known as the Ancient Hiker.

"She's always got antique climbing gear from the 1920s," said one visitor to Mohonk Preserve. "And she's very horny, like she's going to molest me on the spot," he said, on the condition of anonymity. "Then for some reason I was terrorized that she would sue me and take my house, and all my dishes."

According to the witness, she let out a wail that reverberated from all of the local mountains. "It was like an orgasm all over the Earth. Then I got a text message, which said, 'I want to take you back to my swamp and lick you'." His voice cracked as he said the words.

"She wanted to lick me in her swamp. The worms in her hair were going wild. Then her tattoos came to life, like a movie. I was terrified but I could not look away. Then she disappeared."

At press time, a coalition of priests, rabbits, New Agers and atheists was gathering in Peace Park, planning a cleansing of the city. "We will work with the Blue Ribbon commission and have an exorcism," said the unofficial chairman of the unofficial group.

Who is the Mystery Girl? Perhaps we will never know. But she sure is frightening to the townsfolk. And she is very horny.


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